Thoughts From a Pool of Darkness...

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cupcakevampire — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 03:59:53 +0000

sometimes people come back into your life for a reason… I see this lol eeek

Knackered!

cupcakevampire — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 09:21:07 +0000

So yeah, last night I should have gone to bed last night when SOMEONE told me. I’m so tired right now lol. I’m about to head back to bed. I was up for work at 7am to be in for 8am but when I got there I got told the event had been cancelled and I was told to come back at 1pm, which is nice but I wish they had rang me, rather than me walking all the way down! lol! Oh well, these things happen! Got to love it!

So now I feel sick and Im going to set an alarm and go back to bed. I won’t see someone close to me for a week this week… it’s harsh! lol! ok… ok… so I will be fine, it doesn’t mean I won’t miss him though.

I just saw about Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new Musical, the sequal to The Phantom of the Opera. It looks fab… grotesque, gothicly beautiful. I might have to go see it… haha.

Right off I go now before I run out of things to say…

Love you all, some more than others…

Laura xxxx

I just need a hug.

cupcakevampire — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:57:00 +0000

Is it so bad that I just need a hug! I’m so angry and I’m hurting and I don’t want to go through this alone right now, it’s so tough. Life was already shit, but now it’s still shit and Im alone, it makes it 10 times worse!

I feel so fucking lonely and I just want out.

Grrrr!

cupcakevampire — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 00:32:40 +0000

So sick of this. Im so lonely and I feel like my life is worth fuck alll… I have choices to make but I just don’t have a clue ffs!

Lets hope…

cupcakevampire — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:56:07 +0000

Lets just hope I can stay as positive as I am right now… we will see…

Chapter One… Photo Shoot with Scotty!

cupcakevampire — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 23:54:55 +0000

ok so this guy’s work is beyond amazing… here is what he did for me (this is not the complete set, I will upload more asap):

This is a link to some more of his work… truly amazing! check it out:

Scotty’s Gallery

…

cupcakevampire — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 13:37:18 +0000

Well I’m so lost in time and space,
trying to avoid your face,
Wondering ‘what can I do,
to get myself away from you?’

fuck.

cupcakevampire — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 01:07:51 +0000

I actually really hate myself right now. I hate a few other people too, but mainly I hate myself. I can’t explain it any other way then I feel someone carved a hole right through my body and it is burnt to a crisp and smoldering and it is rotting.

why

cupcakevampire — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 20:50:17 +0000

call this a cry for help, but it isnt. Noone reads this. i dont know how the fuck i am still here, or why for that matter. i just cant take much more, why do i let people make me feel like shit? i have no clue but the one thing i do know is it is my fault. i dont think this is goodbye but i cant say it isnt appealing right now.

Now that I have found someone…

cupcakevampire — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 13:07:45 +0000

… I’m feeling more alone than I ever have before.

Today… for everyone else in the world, it is Valentines day. It is not for me. Since the age of seven, Valentines day has had some really horrible associations. Memories including another girl breaking my Valentines present to my boyfriend just because she hated me and couldnt bare that I was happy and she wasn’t, All the boys at high school passing my flowers and chocolates that were either for me but they were previously for for someone else or I had to take them to my best friend who was pretty and popular. She also gave me presents she didn’t want which made me feel even worse… now I was recieving her cast offs. As I have gotten older it has seemingly gotten worse. My abusive ex didn’t buy me even so much as a card, I’m not materialistic but what is a card to the one you supposedly love. I cried a lot that day and he finally went to the shop in the evening and bought me a half arsed gift. I sat there and waited as he went to the store with his family who were very mean and insensitive about it, telling me about all his exes and how much effort he had put in for them, stories of ellaborate gifts.

This year, with my fiance, I thought things might be different. Neither of us have bought anything as we had planned to buy things today and then give them to one another this evening… which is fine. But this afternoon I woke him up, trying to tell him the stores close at four and it was nearly one. He snapped at me and told me that I was telling him what to do and he wasn’t about to be made to feel bad over my ‘petty valentines day’.

Valentines day can be very lonely and full of heart ache if you are alone, but it is not meant to be like this when you have someone. The importance of Valentines to me is not in the price of the gifts or the card but the gesture they make. It is the one day of the year when you can make romantic gestures to your loved one and know that they well have to accept them. It may be a little commersial, but it is up to you how you celebrate it… if it is just a gift and just a card then yes, it’s pointless, but if you spend time and effort to show your loved one what they mean to you with tools that help you to express yourself better than you otherwise could and that inspire you to add more to it to give it a personal touch then where is the harm. Personally, the most beautiful thing I can think of is the smile on a woman’s face when she walks down the street with flowers from her man. I used to love watching how happy my Mum was on Valentines. Her and my Dad don’t always get along smoothly, noone does, but Valentines day is a wonderful day for them, it brings them closer.

One day… Perhaps one day I hope my fiance will understand what Valentines means to me and why I am crying right now. But maybe not. I will go out today and buy myself some flowers and try to celebrate the love I have for myself (there isn’t much of it left).